food diary

ABC Diet day 1 – A Good Day!


500 calories or less

Today has been great. Every time I open the fridge door, the aroma of deli meats surge towards me and forms mini whirlpools as I breathe. It churns my stomach and makes me want to vomit every time, turning the thought of eating into something almost unbearable. I hate meat.

Breakfast: 1 cup of tea (0 cal)

Lunch: Oven baked sweet potato fries (160 cal)

Dinner: Salad with balsamic vinegar (150 cal)

Total = 210

I have a quick question… what type of vegan milk (soy milk, almond milk, rice milk, etc.) tastes good in tea and doesn’t curdle?

Love ❤

– A


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life

Invisible

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People think that invisibility is a superpower. That it only existing in movies and comics and therefore it is impossible to obtain. But in reality, we are all invisible and it’s not something to be envied. Some people are more invisible than others and like anything in our world, there is extremes from every side.

Some people are only invisible whilst catching a bus full of strangers. Others are invisible all the time, no one sees them, not family, friend, stranger or foe. In a different way, someone who is a celebrate may not look invisible on the surface because of the fame and popularity, but beyond that, they are. Think about it, out society almost de-humanises anyone that rises to fame (although they are not the only ones). We know them not by their first name, but by their full name and sometimes only a stage name. People think they know them but they don’t. Anyway my point to this, people can be the opposite of what they look like and everyone experiences invisibility, even those who are the most unlikely. It’s in us all. It’s the thing that everyone has in common and yet, at the same time, keeps everyone so separate.

If you open your eyes enough, you can see it at a concert, walking down a crowded street, in a lecture, in a class room… it’s everywhere. When you sit on a bus you glance at the person next to you but you don’t really see them. You don’t acknowledge them any more than you need to… there is not greeting or farewell unless you know the person well.  Everyone does it, from the most shy to the most confident of people.

Another example is when you walk past a person on the street, you make room on the path but do you really notice them, share a smile and or even look up? Although so many people will ignore and fuel the power of invisibility, every once and a while on one of those extremely rare occasions, a complete stranger will decide to share a smile as he/she walks passed. You know that warm feeling you get from returning the smile? … Well that’s from knowing that your not invisible and neither is the other person (even if it is only for a slit second that is shared with someone you’ve never met before).

Maybe it’s in our nature to ignore and be ignored… it is after all the reason this superpower (a rather awful superpower for the most of it) even exists. Maybe it’s a way we’re all strangely connected. But all the same, I wish it didn’t exist!

– A (invisible all the time, aka. master of invisibility)

oxoxo

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Blade, Pressure, Swipe.

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I started cutting today… I just couldn’t take it any more. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and now that I’ve finally made my first cut, I feel guilty but also revealed in some way. I can’t really explain the way I’m feeling. When I felt the stinging pain the heaviness felt a little less heavy. I’m disgusting and falling to pieces anyway so a few scares won’t hurt.

 – A

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Uncategorized

I want to know how your feeling.

I’d love to here about your day and/or how your feeling at the moment. So if you want you can leave a comment down below for me 🙂 . I’m surely not the only one feeling so bad. Are you feeling depressed or happy… why?

One thing you should know about me is that I’m curious, I like to know things… 1.) it helps me connect with people and 2) Because.. yep just because :P.

– A

oxoxo

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The Truth is Words Hurt

You say things like, “I want my daughter back”

So who then, am I?

Am I no one,

Am I nothing?

Maybe I should just say goodbye.

With a slit of the wrists,

or an overdose

the future will be painless

And so I’ll fade away knowing that,

in time I will not be missed.

Don’t worry I don’t have any immediate plans of anything taboo. This is just me trying to take some pain away and understand what I’m feeling.

Typing down the thoughts that are swirling around in my mind allows some of the most obnoxious to turn into something much more timid. Even thought it’s only for a short time, relief is relief. No matter how small.

– A

oxoxo

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A heart filled with sadness, anger and hate…


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Although I didn’t think it was possible, my life has gotten worst. I now seem to be having fairly regular suicidal thoughts, although I’d be damned if I go through with anything as my feet get very cold (get it? You know… the saying that goes something like ‘She didn’t end up going, she had cold feet’) I know, its stupid, but I couldn’t resist. Basically, I’m scared of everything. Scared of both living and dying, so I’m stuck somewhere between the two and I hate it.

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I can barely bring myself to leave the house any more. I make plans and get really exited but when it comes down to the day before I end up making some excuse to bail. Since the last few blog posts I’ve been eating everything I can get my hands on, I’ve stopped exercising and shamefully I am now the heaviest I have ever been! I have failed everyone of you that follows this blog and I have failed myself. Just when I was beginning to stop the binge eating episodes, started to shed the pounds rapidly and feel a little more in control… I lost it all. I don’t know what happened. This has been the worst binge I have ever had and I just cant seem to escape it’s grasp.

The other day I also found out that people are celebrating birthdays and having house parties, inviting the majority of the people who used to make up our high school grade. I was not invited. But that’s no surprise. Everywhere I go I’m always the outsider… work, school, friend groups (at lease when I used to have friends – I’m now friendless). It’s absolutely guttering to think that a huge chunk of my teenage years was taken from me. I never went to parties, I never partook in under-age drink, I never had fun. I never lived. I grew up too fast. Instead of partying I was watching my weight, cleaning the house and cooking dinners for the family (only to pretend I’d already eaten and flee to my bedroom to study).

God I wish I could live my life over knowing everything I know now. All it would have taken was to say hello and become friends with the right people. I would have learned essential social skills and my confidence would have grown. But instead I’m sitting here right now, fat, lonely, afraid, nervous, guilty and depressed with a huge scoop of social anxiety thrown in that mix as well. I’m screaming out for someone to help me but I am still going unnoticed… invisible. I hate who I am, why cant I be someone else?

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– A

Childhood-depression_3

oxoxo

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I love dreaming!

So last night I had a really good dream…

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Although it might seem a little pathetic to some people, I dreamed that I met a lovely guy and we started dating. It was a prefect match. I didn’t want to wake up.

Gezzz I must really want a boyfriend haha… I guess it’s a little overdue, considering I’ve lived 18 years of life without having a single one. Yep you heard me, not even as a little kid one-day kind of situation.

Anyway, lets get back to this dream. The guy was everything I looked for: attractive, caring, nice, protective, smart, confident, took charge of things (in a good way e.g. he organises trips out and surprises me, etc.) and most importantly, he makes me feel happy and comfortable.

In my dream we went to IKEA to find some furniture for our apartment as we decided to move in together. We got back, made the place look awesome, made-out on the sofa and cuddled whilst watching some tv show. I felt safe and loved in his arms.

Now that the dream is over I can’t remember what he looked like… although he was detailed, I just cant remember now.

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Anyway, I guess I just really want to meet a guy like the one in my dream. I hope it happens because sometimes I find myself worrying that I’m going to be a 40 year old women who’s not married and doesn’t have a family. I know it’s weird but never having a boyfriend, never being kissed, staying a virgin and never experiencing true lover scared the hell out of me.

I suppose that’s enough sharing for now 😛 but let me know if you feel the same way… are you scared about never meeting the one?

– A

oxoxox

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Waist Training?!

As anyone heard of waist training? 

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As you may or may not know, it involves a corset, but not just any corset. It has to have steel boning, the real deal! Basically the corset makes your waist smaller by gradually pushing your ribs into a more slender-forming position. But hay, don’t let your imagination run wild here. Although people can lose up to 6-inches off their waist, not many do. It’s usually used to lose only half that because lets face it… we still want to look proportionate and don’t want any organs finding a new home (lets just say 6-inches is extreme).

Personally, being as short as I am and having no prospects of growing even an inch of height, I really like the sound of a moderate dose of waist training. No matter how much weight I lose, my waist just isn’t as prominent and small as I would like it to be.

But be warned… these things aren’t cheap. So, I’m having to save a little money first and wait till winter before making the big purchase (with the heat at the moment, wearing such a thing would be near impossible considering the amount of sweat that would be produced uh).

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            Before & After

Anyway, I thought I would share my little discovery. Granted, a lot of people already know about this  concept, but I thought I would talk about it anyway. 🙂 Plus it’s probably a nice break from reading about how increasingly depressed I’m feeling at the moment. But just one thing I cant resit adding… I was called disgusting today, so that’s another word to add to the list.

– A

oxoxo

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Stress…

I have some bad news to report

I binged 😦 It’s been so bad… really REALLY BAD! I just cant seem to stop and I hate it. I hate myself so much, I’ve not been able to stop the huge binge for almost 3 days. I don’t know whats gotten into me but I just can’t stop. 😥 I can’t even purge because there are so many fucking people in this house. I hate people!!!! I feel so claustrophobic with everyone over here right now. I’ve got a pretty bad dose of social anxiety so… maybe that’s why. I feel like slapping everyone in the face and forcing them out the door but lets face it, I’m to much of a chicken to do that.

So why have I binged? To be honest I don’t completely know, but I’m thinking it might be something to do with stress. I’ve been having so many issues with picking university courses. Which haven’t even been resolved yet because I just can’t even make a stupid phone call. How hard can it be, I just have to myself pick the phone up and dial the number – which I can do – but as soon as I have to lock it in and press enter I just can’t do it. I actually think I’m getting worst with that kinda stuff, its like my social anxiety and depression just seem to want to get worst together. I feel like I’m going to explode and for the first time in a while, I’ve been suicidal.

I always remember this one day when I was younger when my dad took me on a trip to the beach. As we walked the rest of the way from the car to the sand I saw a little white cross with fake flowers surrounding it and asked him how that person had died. He said he didn’t know but as we walked closer we could see writing on the ‘t’. So as any curious kid would do, I red it. The exact words will not come to me but it was something to do with suicide. So me, being the little naive girl that I was, said that anyone who would end their lives on purpose was stupid. My dad replied with a similar response and said, “why would you kill yourself when the next day you might win the lottery, you never know what’s going to happen”.

But the reality of life is that we grow up and with growing up we are faced with so many challenges… some people are able to deal with the downs in life way better than others. Even though I never thought I would ever think about killing myself, I do. I am no longer naive… I understand why people do it. We get so despite to escape the gloom that stops us from even entering the lottery – so to speak – so we don’t even have anything to live for anyway, we are never surprised with joy. There is nothing to look forward to, its all empty.

-A

oxoxo

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